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[Jan. 31st, 2010|03:50 am] |
Classes are going well, I'm almost done with them actually. I've been doing a lot of tagging along with other realtors and they tell me that I have a knack of helping people find their homes. That doesn't really surprise me, but I'm just glad that I can do it. It's still really cold though, I keep thinking about moving to Florida and just staying there. It's the only place that's over 40 degrees. There's so much that I could talk about, but I just don't know where to start. Perhaps I'll just start to ramble, that way no one will actually want to read it and skip over it. I know that I said I was lonely, and that I tried to make friends. No, I tried more than that. I actually had feelings for someone, and it never turned out quite the way I wanted. First time that I actually felt like that, and I got my heart trampled on. I suppose that happens to everyone though. Perhaps it means that I've run away, and perhaps that means that I've shirked my responsibilities, but we all know that I'm really good at that anyway, so who cares? It's odd, because there are people dying and being hurt and I'm not really sure that I care much. I mean I cared, and that still.. I'm always left in the dark with things. And if I went missing and died, no one would realize I was missing either up here, and probably not even in Hades either. It's no longer whining, it's the truth. And I'm tired of caring about it. A lot of the time, I'd think it'd better if I could just disappear and be gone for good, there might be some kind of peace in that. But I doubt that will happen. Just when I think I'm starting to taper off, the Canadians make Operation Hestia. Noble effort of course, but it just means that I'm not going anywhere anytime soon. So I have to get used to all of this. Staying in my little corner of the world, where no one knows where I am is nice. I don't call anyone, I don't talk to anyone much anymore.
I have, however, been going to different churches, with different religions. I've attended a lot of Christian churches. Some of them are so nice and lively. People actually celebrate and they love it, and it kind of reminds me of home except for where there is no real sacrifice. But everyone just seems to have such a good time. Then there are those where people just stand around and they hate it, which is sad. I like some of the Christian songs though, they're nice, and the people who sing are amazing. Then I went to a lot of other temples and synagogues and the whole lot. Some of them are so beautiful. I don't know if I was looking for anything there, or if I found anything but it was nice going all the same. I talked to some really lovely people. I know so many people look down on mortals and the like because of whatever reason. They're supposed to be beneath us or something, but some of them are very remarkable. They are much more remarkable than most of my family as a matter of fact. Everyone acts so.. I'm not even sure there's a word for all of us. I'm including myself in this of course. But we're so set apart from everything. We're in our own little realm. And we think that everything we does, does not effect us in the slightest. The thing is, is that we're all going to be gone eventually and it won't be anyone's fault but our own. We push everyone away, we're making ourselves disappear. Those of us clinging to this life, or wishing to go back home as just making themselves disappear faster. It's sad.
I thought that I had something profound to talk about with all of this, and really I'm just rambling back and forth about good things and bad things. Isn't that what we're supposed to do with these darn things? There are times when I kind of want to throw myself into a fire to see if I feel anything at all. Sometimes it feels like I can't feel much at all. I spent so long being at home, being all tied up in that because that was my place. And now that it's different, and times have changed, I decided to leave. I decided to finally see the world in all it's glory. But I'm still confined to this place, my home, no matter where it is. Wherever I am is home, because there is nothing else that I have besides myself. And in that case, it is like wherever my home is.. it isn't. Because a home is supposed to be more about just the wood and the brick and the cinder it is made from. It is supposed to be about so much more. And yet I don't have any of those things. Funny how a goddess of the home doesn't find a home in anything anymore. I wonder if I'll just wander all my days and not have a home. Perhaps after I get my license. I'll just get in the car and go.
Give me fire. No one would find me then. |
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